So I've just returned from a six week exchange to Montreal where I had to speak (Canadian) French for those six weeks, do (Canadian) French activities for those six weeks, and immerse myself in (Canadian) French culture, also for those six weeks.

So, naturally, as any good soldier would do whilst behind enemy lines, I gathered INTELLIGENCE (as in information, not I.Q. I can't be helped in that department) to share with my English cohorts in Ontario.

And since this is the internet, it comes in the form of a numbered list.

1. They don't have that extra concrete and grass curb that comes between the sidewalk and the actual street.

2. The French use the word 'fesse' alot, which translates to 'buttock', 'butt cheek', 'bum', etc. As in "Assoyez-vous sur votres fesses!" (Sit on your butt cheeks!) "Collez vos fesses sur la siege!" (Glue your butt cheeks to the seat!) "En avant deux fesses." (Advance two butt cheek-lengths.)

3. Their kids eat way healthier lunches. I saw lots of little kids eating salads, cold chickpeas, veggies, veggies, veggies, which made me feel stupid because I couldn't eat healthy even if my life depended on it.
...Which it does.
Huh.

4. They are way more selective breeders in Wannabe France. As in all the men are jacked, ripped, pumped or what have you. So they're muscular, you say. Muscley men can be ugly. To which I reply, THEY'RE NOT. THEY'RE HOT. Even the pre-teen boys look as if their six packs are budding just under the skin--as if, with the slightest injection of testosterone, they would inflate like man-shaped inflatable mattresses.

5. Their food is way better. Whaddya expect? They're FRENCH!

6. They don't seem to have much imagination when naming their fast food places--all of their restaurants either have something to do with chicken or the province's name. So there's all these places with nothing but a chicken as their logo and focus of being, and then there's places named "La Belle Province" (The Beautiful Province) "Le Petit Quebec" (The Little Quebec) "La Belle Quebec" (The Beautiful Quebec) "La Petite Province" (The Little Beautiful--no, wait, I just confused myself. But you get the gist of it, eh?)

7. We don't say "eh?" in Ontario and nobody in Quebec does either. NOBODY says "eh?" in Canada. Can you hear me, USA? We have stereotypes about you too, you know!

8. They really like the song "Boom Boom Pow" by the Black-Eyed Peas. REALLY like it.
And they sing it often, in their accents.

9.French kids are like English kids, just in French. So the lesson is that ALL children are the same deep, deep down in their blessed little hearts--special, smart, and DAMN ANNOYING.

For all those six weeks mentioned above I also worked in a day camp with little kids. I'm not going to even try to articulate my (potent) feelings about that part of the exchange, but below is a small sample of my mood, taken from one of my emails sent home to friends and family.

"These little French bastards are out to break me like a goddamn pony."